


Wanted: One Evil Henchperson (No Experience Necessary)

by RedCharcoal



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 07:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4867994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedCharcoal/pseuds/RedCharcoal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The new Dark One wants to get cracking on her evil doings, so she places an ad in the Storybrooke Mirror for help. Some unexpected people apply to be Emma's right-hand man/woman. Crack!fic. Humor. OOC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written to honor the SQ people who helped me when I wrote my lesbian mystery book, The Red Files. Thanks to Exquisite Lil Tart and Scribes. Awesome doesn't even come close.

**_Wanted: One Evil Henchperson_ **

_Duties include: Crowd control, sabotage, spying, stalking, cleaning (inc. wet work), arch cackling, implementing various nefarious schemes as required. Experience not necessary. Blackened heart useful.  
_ _Apply in person to: the Dark One, c/o Granny's. Tuesday, from 10am._

* * *

**Applicant One: Eugenia Lucas**

The Dark One, formerly known as Emma Swan, adjusted her choker (black, glossy, suitably evil) and eyed Granny skeptically from across the diner's best table by the window.

"And why do you want to be my henchwoman?" she asked. "Is grilling cheese sandwiches not ringing your bell anymore?" She gave her a condescending smirk.

Granny huffed. "Well I'm not serious. But I came to see if _you_ were. And why are you holding interviews here? I'm running a respectable business, not some villain's recruitment center."

"Are you planning on stopping me?" The Dark One let her fingers twitch, and enjoyed the surge of powers sparking from the tips. It was her best trick to date, learned during an unfortunate incident she chose not to dwell on. (Besides, her hair had almost grown back.)

Granny paused. "Apparently not," she ground out. "Just keep it scorch-free will you? Those are brand new tablecloths."

* * *

**Applicant Two: Sidney Glass**

Sidney Glass slid his pinstripe, suit-clad ass into the seat opposite the Dark One and looked at her nervously. She met his gaze evenly and knew her unsettling, glittering eyes had made many a former acquaintance run screaming into the night. To the odious little cretin's credit, he did no such thing.

"I have experience," he began, clearing his throat, and pushed some paperwork over the desk. "Twenty-plus years in the service of the Evil Queen, and a number of years as a loyal lickspittle for Mayor Mills. I can do a phone tap blindfolded. I'm excellent at following people. Oh, and I can spell. That might be useful. Because, you know, I have journalist credentials. And I can spin the news anyway you like. Never underestimate the power of a compromised press."

"Mm."

"I can also sabotage vehicles; no car is too big or too small." He looked at her brightly. "I have particular experience with VWs."

"I recall." The Dark One glared at him. "Shit, Sidney, I _knew_ it was you!"

He swallowed, clearly not having thought through how boasting about almost killing Emma Swan when she'd first arrived in Storybrooke might not endear himself to her now.

"I'm, uh, also excellent at being a yes man," he rushed on. "No deed is too slimy nor dirty for me to not declare it 'impressive'."

"What if I wanted to massacre a bunch of kids?" the Dark One asked, eyebrow lifting in challenge. "Say starving, disabled third-world country orphans?"

"Uh, bold choice," Sidney said tentatively. He squirmed in his seat for a moment. "But I'm sure you'd have excellent reasons." He looked at her hopefully.

"Mm." The Dark One repeated as she flipped further though his resume. "Wait, you're claiming credit for kidnapping Kathryn? And killing Graham?"

"A good henchman always takes the blame for acts his employer might later regret. For instance, I could tell everyone that _I_ did all your clothes shopping since your elevation to evil glory."

The Dark One glanced down at her skin-tight leather pants and black corset. Black thigh-high boots. OK, it might be a _little_ on the overkill side but she'd felt like celebrating feeling shit-hot and bullet proof. She also might have borrowed the outfit from a certain ex-evil queen's crypt.

"What's wrong with my wardrobe?" she demanded and gave him her most menacing glare.

"N-nothing," he said, gasping. "It's very … _you_!" He smiled reassuringly. "And I love what you've done with your hair. Top knots are _so_ hard to pull off."

The Dark One's lips twitched. "OK, why do you want the job? I'd have thought since Regina freed you from the loony bin you'd want to clear out of here."

" _Regina_ ," he spat darkly. "Regina needs to _pay_. And who better to administer some justice than you, her arch nemesis? I'd be happy to help with the details. I have some creative ideas…"

"No. I'm not interested in the petty vendettas of my employees."

" _Petty_?!" Sidney gasped. "She… she…"

"Nor henchmen with stutters. Send the next candidate in."

"But…"

"NOW." She let her fingers turn into flaming torches and her eyes gleamed.

Sidney scurried from the diner.

* * *

**Applicant three: Snow White – aka Mary Margaret – aka Mom**

"Mom," the Dark One sighed. "What are you doing here?"

"I think you know!" She slapped the job ad on the table and stabbed it with an accusing finger. She plopped into the seat opposite and tsked her villainous overlord daughter, her mouth drawn down into a disappointed line. "Do I even want to know what 'wet work' is?"

"I saw it in a Tarantino movie once," the blonde said with a lazy grin. "I think it means dead body clean ups."

"That is just _disgusting_." Snow pulled a face of pure revulsion. The Dark One rolled her glittery eyes.

Snow shuddered. "Just how many people are you planning on killing anyway? We raised you better than this!"

"You didn't raise me at all," the Dark One countered. "If you want to get technical, you and Daddy Dearest tossed me in a tree and let me fend for myself."

Snow blushed. "That's not _exactly_ what happened."

"Uh huh." She looked at her mother. "So why are you here?"

"I want my daughter back! The _nice_ one who didn't advertise for wet workers and spies and saboteurs!"

The blonde shrugged. "I don't plan to use my henchmen for all that, but I was just keeping my options open. Never know what the future may bring."

"But still, Emma … don't you miss who you were? Oh, I remember that sweet girl in the gorgeous pink dress…"

"Mom! You made me wear that and forced me on a date with a one-armed, creepy, misogynist pirate after you caught Regina perched on my desk giving her best double entendres a work out."

Her eyes glazed over at the memory of Regina's lacy thigh-highs peeking through her skirt slit and hearing her wicked tongue, slinging retort after retort at her. Emma was sure they'd been about one snarky exchange away from seeing how high that lace went before Snow burst in with her judgiest of judgy faces. _Kill joy._

"Well even so, I just want you to know there's so _much_ good in you, we made sure of that," Snow said desperately.

"Yeah, by ripping it out of the foetus of someone else's kid. You don't get the high moral ground, here. OK, so is that it? I have a bunch more candidates to see."

"But Emma! You used to be such a good girl! You were _perfect_!"

The Dark One snorted. "Then you never knew me at all."

She raised her hand. Snow White flew through the air, bounced through the diner door and out onto the street. She sat up, dusted herself down and glared back at her daughter, who gave her a cheerful wave.

* * *

**Applicant four: Ruby Lucas**

"So in sum, I can hunt, track, and sniff around and no one ever knows I've been there," Ruby concluded with a bright smile. "This job sounds way more fun than scraping the mould off Granny's cheese blocks and recycling meals customers only partially ate."

"Shit!" The blonde blinked. "That really _is_ evil. Maybe I should reconsider Granny's application."

Ruby grinned. "Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of nice things that go with being good, but look at you – all bad ass and cool now. I think we'd make an awesome-sauce team."

The Dark One cocked her head. "Ruby, Granny would kill you if you joined forces with me."

Ruby shrugged. Far too nonchalantly. The blonde eyed her suspiciously. Then the penny dropped.

"OK, who put you up to this? Snow, I suppose? You were sent to spy on me?"

The other woman blushed slightly at being caught. "Look, hon, she only wants what's best for you. We all do. We miss old Emma."

"Old Emma was as vanilla as a milkshake and went on dates she had no interest in while dressed like a 16-year-old prom queen just to please her mother. You can let Mom know _her_ Emma won't be back."

She waved her hand and Ruby also skidded through the diner door out onto the street in a tangle of long limbs and red shorty shorts. The Dark One admired the impressive view then returned to the business at hand.

* * *

**Applicant five: Henry Mills**

"Kid?"

"Yeah Mom?"

"Why are you here?"

"For the job interview."

"Shit. I knew I shoulda put an age limit on this."

" _Mom_!"

"What?!"

"You _swore_!"

"I _am_ the Dark One now!"

"Yeah, but still. You said only lazy people swear."

"So sue me. I'm having an evil day."

"So about the job…"

"Stay in school, kid. This is a full-time position."

"What does 'wet works' mean? Is that like cleaning the bathroom and kitchen?"

"Something like that."

"Who do you plan to spy on? I'm great at spying – remember Operation Cobra? And I'm super sneaky. Just ask Mom. Other Mom."

"Look, Henry, your mom would never approve of me hiring you as a henchman, OK? So just forget it."

"Who cares what _she_ thinks?" Henry asked enthusiastically. "You're the Dark One now. What _you_ say, goes. Right?"

She twirled her fork in the air – hands free. It kept her mind focused when she had too much turmoil upstairs. She was doing a lot of fork twirling lately.

"Cooool!"

She sighed again. "I can't hire you, kid. I'll probably be doing some diabolical stuff soon and you have the heart of the truest believer."

"So?"

"Well so – cross contamination and all that jazz. What if I infect you with my evil or something? It's too big a risk."

"You don't want me to be evil then?"

"No! Shit! Come on!"

"Why not? Aren't you, like, revelling in it or something? Enjoying your limitless power?"

"Not the point."

"Why's it OK for you to be evil and not me?" He pouted dramatically.

"It's just…" She stopped and her eyes narrowed. "OK kid, I see what you're doing here. Very sneaky. Take your sneaky little subversive arguments and go back to school."

"Mommm…"

"No." Her voice was steel sharp, brooking no dissent.

She snapped her fingers and instantly Henry had disappeared. She hoped he was back in his class. She'd have to check later if that spell had worked.

* * *

**Applicant six: Grumpy**

"So I can get into really small holes," he finished triumphantly. "Can lay all sorts of booby-trapped surprises down for the bad guys and _boom_!"

"Grumpy," the Dark One interrupted, "I AM one of the bad guys. THE baddest, bad guy."

Stymied, he stared at her. "Shit. I forgot. Uh, hell. I'll withdraw my application. I'm so used to you being the savior and all. And this gig sounded way more fun than digging magic dust out of mines for no pay and a sour smirk from the Boob Fairy."

"I'd have thought my wardrobe was a bit of a clue Emma Swan doesn't live here anymore."

Grumpy snorted. "Sister, we all went through our goth stage; it don't mean a thing. You should see my skull earrings. Can I ask you something, though?"

"What?"

"Why do you even need a henchman?"

"Well like the advert states, I need…"

"No, I read the ad. I mean can't you just wave your hand and get whatever you want anyway? Rumplestiltskin never had a henchman. You sayin' you're weaker than him? What's the _real_ deal here, anyway?"

"Get out," the Dark One growled and twisted her wrist viciously. Grumpy tumbleweeded his way down the street with an indignant serious of grunts, which gradually faded as he bounced around the corner two blocks away.

* * *

**Applicant Seven: Regina Mills**

"Well, well, if it isn't the Dark One herself," the mayor purred, easing herself into the booth. She folded elegant hands on the table and looked at her companion closely.

"Are you having fun yet?" Regina asked.

"What?"

"Having the unrivalled power of evil pulsing through your veins. It must be something?"

"Yeah, it's a pretty heady high," the Dark One admitted.

"I was quite fond of it myself," Regina said with a soft, faraway look. She shook her head and returned her attention to The Dark One. "I trust you didn't employ our son as your evil henchman? He expressed an interest, but really Miss Swan, he's only thirteen."

"Don't be ridiculous, Regina. I sent him back to class."

"Good," Regina said. She studied her. "So – _this_ is the look you're going for? A little derivative isn't it?" She peered closer. "Actually it's a lot derivative. That corset is _mine_! You stole my clothes again!"

"What do you mean _again_?"

"Oh don't tell me you've forgotten the blue shirt. You roll into town and two days later are wearing my favorite blouse!"

"You said I could keep it! Remember your speech about how it was all I was getting?"

"I was being dramatic to make a point! Something you're sorely lacking. You have no stage craft at all! And you do realize true evil doesn't have to _advertise_ for hired help. You get applicants beating a path to the door, eager to be in your mere orbit of fabulousness."

"Yeah, well, the thing about being evil is I have no experience at it." She shrugged. "Hence the ad."

"Well then, you're speaking to the right person."

"What? You're applying to be my hench-uh-lady?" the Dark One eyed her. " _You_. Want to work for _me_? Yeah sure. Quit mocking me." Her eyes flashed with anger. Literally.

Regina smirked. "I do so prefer you this way, dear. Emma Swan, minus the strike-a-pose, Charmings hero baggage. Impressive light display, too. There's hope for you yet."

"Hope?" The Dark One peered at her in confusion. "Huh?"

"Look, dear, there's more to being evil than just cleavage," Regina lowered her voice conspiratorially. Her eyes, however, slid to Emma's anatomy in question. Contemplating.

"Although," she continued huskily, "cleavage _is_ important. I can help you navigate your little walk on the wild side. I am amply qualified. So, what do you say?"

"Um – I was more looking for someone to do my every bidding. A guide to cleavage and shit like that is not really what I wanted."

"And yet I am what you need. We have much to cover: catch cries, scathing quotable insults, catching assassins, loneliness, boredom, relatives who want to kill you, relatives you wish to kill, and sex. Where shall we start?"

"S-sex?" The Dark One blinked. "How is that any different?"

Regina offered a wicked smile, and leaned back in the booth, her already tight silk shirt stretching to breaking point. Her straining third button looked ready to give up its day job.

The Dark One caught a glimpse of alluring black bra lace as those amused brown eyes tracked her.

"Just trust me," Regina said in her low, dirty tone that was like dark alleys and scented cigars.

"OK," she choked out. The Dark One licked her lips, feeling her skin heat up. "You're hired."


	2. Nice Kitty

The Dark One discovered over the course of three weeks how little she knew about the ins and outs of being totally badass.

Regina had whisked her off to her crypt at random times of day and night - "away from prying eyes and safe from scorch marks on the rug" - to train her in all manner of villainy with a side of snark.

Those brown, sharp eyes followed her every move. Never wavering, never tiring. It was disconcerting.

"No! More growl, more menace, more strut!" Regina wrenched The Dark One's shoulders back. "You're not Snow White boring your enemies into comas! Have you even being paying attention? Now try again."

The Dark One glowered. She'd never been great at school but you'd think being the pinnacle of all-out evil would automatically bestow on her some awesome comprehension skills or, like, 10 extra IQ points or something. Instead there seemed to be something really freaking wrong with her faculties.

She felt Regina come up behind her, pressing her body against hers as she grabbed and manipulated her various body parts into a suitably menacing pose. "Hands on _both_ hips, dear, this isn't a wild west whorehouse."

Regina's hand covered her fingers and jerked a hand to one hip. Those soft breasts were now crushed into her back and the Dark One felt her breath hitch. The strange ball of dark energy pulsating through her that she'd come to think of as her wicked, witchy, evil, black cat, woke up, stretched provocatively, and started purring, sending excited little shivers through her. She felt her heart skyrocket and promptly forgot what she was supposed to be thinking about.

 _Again_.

"If you don't pay attention we could be at this all week," Regina husked into her ear and then stepped away.

The Dark One swallowed. _Yeah. That would be terrible._

She wasn't entirely sure that Regina wasn't just messing with her now. Half the training seemed a little out there.

An hour later she was convinced of that fact when she had to shake herself out after having been instructed on the fine art of turning herself into ... a bat.

She glanced around. While she'd been flapping blindly around the crypt in mammalian form - bat-shit crazy in itself, pun intended - Regina had obviously gone off to make herself a honeyed tea.

The Dark One paused her musings. _Who the hell puts a kitchenette in a crypt? Or a dressing room come to think of it?_

But when her human-once-more eyes finally refocused, there sat Regina, legs crossed on a green velvet chaise lounge, stirring her tea with a spoon still dripping with a semi-dissolved gloop of honey. Regina licked the spoon as she watched the Dark One going through the process of mentally counting human fingers and toes.

"Well look who's back. Enjoy yourself?" Regina drawled. Her tongue darted out and slid around the spoon again.

_Holy shit._

"Um. What was the point of that again? I mean, Christ Regina, a bat?"

"Your senses get heightened depending on the creature you become. There's always some residue of their abilities for up to an hour or so when you return to human form."

 _Liiick_.

"Even now you can still sense how bright the room seems, and your hearing is still better," Regina continued. "The acoustics in my crypt are excellent for sensitive bat ears, which is why I chose that form to demonstrate what you can do. You're now ready for your next lesson. I have placed a fly in the other room. Tell me exactly where it is."

The Dark One tore her eyes from that teasing pink tongue with its teaspoon fixation and shut her eyes as she focused. She could hear the faintest dusting of rustling sounds.

"Um... The upper level, north wall, crawling up vault the door." Her eyes popped open.

"Excellent," Regina purred. She placed her teacup on the floor and extended her body fully along the chaise lounge, leaning on one elbow and crossing her legs at the ankles. She was watching the Dark One closely. Ever-so-casually Regina ordered: "Now pull its wings off."

"What?! Eww!"

"With your mind."

"Creepy much?"

Regina flicked at invisible lint on her grey dress. The Dark One recognized it as the outfit Regina had worn the day she'd chainsawed the mayor's favorite apple tree.

_Good times._

"What did that fly do to you, anyway?" she protested, still revolted.

Regina sighed. "You really are terrible at villainy."

"And you are way too good at it. What the hell _is_ this?"

"THIS is why you wanted my expertise. Isn't it?" An eyebrow arched.

"For _humans_! Not little insects. I haven't got time for this crap."

"If you're too squeamish to dismember a single fly, how can you be expected to wreak havoc on a town full of humans?" That impossibly smug eyebrow rose higher. "Unless... you don't _want_ to wreak havoc with anyone?"

Regina sounded far too casual and the Dark One couldn't help but wonder whether this was some sort of crazy test. Regina was full of weird-ass games like this.

So, she rose to the challenge. She was The Dark One after all. Her evil inner cat stretched its claws indignantly and she felt the swirl of dark energy as her anger rose. "Of course I want to wreak havoc," she shot back, pinning Regina with her most menacing glare.

"Then prove it," Regina replied implacably. "Wings off the fly. _Now_."

"That's so gross."

"Yes. And you're clearly not nearly as dark as you pretend." Regina rose suddenly and stepped inside her space. The blonde's nostrils flared at the intrusion, noting the hint of hair spray and floral notes of shampoo. Her heightened senses also detected pheromones, a faint trace of perspiration and that heady scent that was uniquely Regina. Her feline beast growled its approval.

Regina tilted her head and regarded her. "You aren't even a little dark underneath all your outward pyrotechnics, are you, dear?" Her finger lifted to the blonde's cheek and traced the line of cheekbone. It was more pronounced since The Change. Regina's voice dropped to a cool whisper.

"Oh you have all the rest convinced. Even Henry's unsure. But the truth is, Storybrooke's newest Dark One, _literally_ wouldn't hurt a fly." She gave her a knowing smile, all flashing teeth and condescension.

The Dark One shut her eyes with a furious snap. When she opened them again, they glinted. "The fly's wings are gone. It's dead," she hissed. "Don't fucking doubt me again, Regina. I passed your stupid test."

Regina considered her, face impassive. "You believe _that_ was the test?" She tsked. "That was nothing. Do you know what _my_ entry into pure evil contained?"

She slid her hand up the black corset in front of her until it rested over The Dark One's heart. Its thudding picked up. She tapped the leather and whalebone construct sharply with two fingers. Her face was cool and the Dark One felt the shift from playful to something bleak and cold.

"I had to rip out Daddy's heart. I crushed it before his eyes. He looked at me with such sadness, such shattered loss and love. And he _allowed_ me to do it. Because it's what I wanted."

The Dark One sucked in a breath, unable to hide her shock. "The fuck?! _Why_ would you kill him? Didn't you have a ton of minions you could have sacrificed first?"

"I needed the heart of the one I loved most," Regina said, face devoid of emotion. "And if you truly want to embrace this dark side..." her hand did a softer tap against Emma's breast, "then you need to be prepared to kill the one you love the most, too."

"I... w-what?!" The Dark One's eyes bugged out.

"You really think you're so dark you could kill our son?" Regina tilted her head, eyes challenging. Disbelief clear across her face. "Shall we see?"

The Dark One viciously shoved her away, recoiling. Her action catapulted Regina to the other side of the room. Regina magically slowed her tumbling fall and landed gracefully on her knees. She stood again and without a word snapped her fingers.

Henry suddenly appeared. He'd clearly been sitting at his desk at school because he suddenly dropped to the ground with a plop and a startled cry. He looked around, dazed.

"What?! Moms? Huh?"

"Good morning, Henry. I just need you for a moment." Regina turned to the woman staring at her, mouth hanging open. "Shall we see how serious you are about this endeavor? How truly committed? Well? Go ahead!"

"I am _not_ going to..." the Dark One gasped in disbelief. She faded out as Henry looked at her curiously, wondering what she was so opposed to doing.

The Dark One snapped her fingers and Henry disappeared.

"Leave our son out of this! That's so sick! And of course I'm not going to kill him."

"The moment you chose the darkest path, that affected our son. He is already involved. I need to know your level of commitment. Simply pretending Henry is not your weakness, your entree into _pure evil_ , doesn't make it true."

She waved her hand and Henry reappeared.

"Moms! Quit it! Grandma is getting really pissed at me popping in and out of her class. She says it's distracting and even Dark Ones should know better."

The Dark One in question folded her arms and glowered at Regina. "There - now you've pissed off Mom."

Regina held her gaze. "How _terrible_. I apologize, Henry, but I'm just making a point to your other mother. She seems reluctant to acknowledge certain realities."

"Oooh," Henry's eyes widened. "Are you two..." His eyes darted back and forth between them. "You _are_! Are you finally admitting you _like_ each other?" He beamed with excitement and his eyebrows did a cute waggle.

Two heads whipped around to look at him in astonishment.

"What?!" Emma gasped. And for a second she looked exactly like her old self.

"Henry!" Regina snapped at the same time.

"What?" he asked them innocently. "I mean _look_ at you! You're always disappearing off together to 'train' Emma. Alone. In the middle of the night sometimes, too..."

"It's quietest then!" Regina protested. "No distractions!"

"Yeah kid!" The Dark One glared. Her eyes did the lightning flashy thing.

Henry's eyes widened. "That is _so_ cool. Do it again!"

"No!" The Dark One lifted her fingers to snap him back to class.

"Wait! If you're not having the talk about being into each other, what are you doing?" Henry asked. "I mean, moms, come on - I've seen the way you check out each other's butts when you think no one's looking."

"Henry!" Regina protested at the same time the Dark One snapped hotly: "I do not!"

The blonde turned back to Regina and cocked an eyebrow, a realization hitting her. Then she snapped her fingers, returning her son to class.

"That wasn't really Henry, was it?" the Dark One said. "God, you're cunning. But I know you'd never put him in harm's way. You'd never risk me killing him just to prove you wrong."

"It _was_ the real Henry," Regina said. She pursed her lips. "As if I'd program some duplicate to imagine us being together."

"Oh. Right. Yeah, good point. Shit."

"But you're right: I never would put Henry in harm's way. And I also know you would never hurt the one you love most. Because I know you're not even close to as dark as you pretend. All you are is someone who is high on an overwhelming and intoxicating power kick, and relieved to be shedding the straitjacket of expectations your family put you in. _I_ know all about that. But Emma, that doesn't make you evil. It makes you normal. Chafing and frustrated, yes, but normal." She took a step closer and took The Dark One's hand just as she was about to protest.

She could feel Regina's thumb stroking the back of it. Tingles shot all over her skin and she glanced up.

"I love feeling this way," she said, trying to explain how the darkness made her feel 10-feet tall and superhuman. "I don't want to lose that."

"I know."

"Even Mom backed off for once." She gave her a half grin. "And you know how persistent she can be."

"I'm well aware. Though when it comes to you, she likely means well. But, Emma, you're an adult. And shocking as it may be, you can live your own life without having to be the Dark One to do so."

"I don't want to go back to who I was," Emma snapped. "She was pathetic."

"Oh I know." Regina smiled.

"Oh ha ha." The Dark One scowled. "You know, I can actually turn you into something. Mosquito, statue. Dog shit."

"Emma," Regina shook her head, "just be grateful you'll never be like me. Or Gold. Face it, dear, you just don't have it in you. You're essentially too good."

The Dark One wanted to protest but for some reason that thumb was doing weird things to her brain. Emma's skin felt on fire.

"I'm the Dark One," she tried. "All powerful and, and... twisted." She swallowed.

"Yes," Regina agreed smoothly. "Super dark. Very twisty. We're all in fear of your wicked, wicked ways."

"You're mocking me!"

"Emma," Regina said, "it's actually remarkable that even with the ultimate dark forces rippling through you, I couldn't even persuade you to rip the wings off a fly."

"I-I killed it."

"No you didn't. You transported it to Hook's room at Granny's. And charmed it to be both invisible and to never die."

"Oh. You could tell that?"

"You think I don't recognize the magical signature of my own spell? I've used it often enough lately."

"Oh God, you have?" The Dark One laughed at the thought of Hook being driven mad by invisible, never-dying, zombie flies crowding his room.

Regina shrugged faintly, lips twitching. "Call it a community service. I should probably alert Eugenia before she calls the exterminators though."

The Dark One looked at her in astonishment. "God," she said in awe, "you have such a twisted mind."

Regina's lips pressed together sourly.

"No, sorry, not like that. I mean it's creative. And zapping in Henry to make a point? That was clever. But he was always safe, you know?"

"Of course. I'd never have risked him if I didn't know that."

"No, I mean, you said my weakness is the person I love the most. And ... uh, I love the kid, I really do. But...he's not..."  
She stared into Regina's eyes. She mumbled something.

"What was that dear?"

"I said, not that it matters, but he's not the one I love most, so it's hardly a true test of anything."

Regina's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Well then, far be it for me to not fully test your resolve."

She waved a hand. Snow White appeared, holding a piece of chalk.

"Emma! What are you... oh. _Regina_."

"Snow," Regina drawled and folded her arms.

"Mom," the Dark One sighed.

"What are you two doing, transporting people around like this!" Snow asked. She glared at her daughter. "Honestly! Are you both children?"

" _This_ is the one you love above all else?" Regina asked archly.

"I _can_ hear you, you know," Snow said. Then her face broke into a smile. "Oh Emma, I knew _you_ were still in there. So - you love me? Most?" She looked beside herself with joy.

The Dark One looked sourly at Regina. "I hate you."

Regina smirked and inclined her head. "Feel free to kill her now to demonstrate your evilness."

"Regina!" Snow gasped.

The Dark One sighed and waved her hand. Snow vanished.

"Ha freaking ha. So hilarious. And it wasn't her I love the most, either. And before you bring in David, not Dad. Nor Ruby."

Regina's face whitened. "I swear if you love that stalkery pirate, I will send you to Dr Hopper for an emergency evaluation."

"I'd like to see you try." The Dark One did her party trick again and cracked her knuckles, sending sparks shooting out playfully from her hands.

"Is it that girl? Maleficent's daughter?" Regina asked, completely ignoring the impressive fireworks display.

"Lily? Hell no. We were more sisterly. Like you and Maleficent."

A strange look crossed Regina's face. "Er, yes," she repeated. " _Sisterly_." She cleared her throat, a flush rising up cheeks.

"Oh wow," the Dark One's eyes widened in understanding. "You and _Maleficent_?"

Regina's blush deepened. "Do not knock dragon sex till you've tried it," she said sternly.

The Dark One sucked in a breath. "Shit. And are you two, still..." She tried to keep the bitter kick from her voice. It surprised her, the speed with which her black beast sprang to attention and began to hiss and spit. She felt it rumbling inside, at the thought of the two women coming together.

The way Regina's head shot up to study her, the Dark One knew she had failed at hiding her jealousy.

"Oh," the mayor said softly.

The Dark One licked her lips. The beast sat up on its haunches, ready to pounce if Regina rejected her. Ready to pounce if she accepted her. The turmoil swirled and Emma felt herself growing hot.

Regina stared at her for a beat and then smiled. She kissed her. Everything trembled and for the briefest of moments the Dark One felt she was just Emma again. It was like a balm, those soft lips moving against hers. Her skin flushed all over. The powers inside her surged and ebbed.

Regina pulled back and whispered against her ear. "I'm an expert on the darkness. And I know how to make it crawl into a corner if need be. It just needs to know there's no reason for it to come off the leash."

"I see the darkness as being like a cat," Emma replied. "It's dark, moody, crazy territorial and finds you fucking arousing."

Regina's fingers stroked Emma's hands as if reassuring Emma there were no claws on her fingers.

"Remember how I told you sex is different when one is evil?" Regina asked softly.

Emma nodded and swallowed.

"It's about the power play. You can have anyone you want and everyone in your realm knows it." Regina leaned forward and her voice became husky and low. "Do you want to claim me? Make me yours? Take every little bit of me? And have me do the same to you?"

Emma gasped. Her eyes had almost turned black.

Regina's fingers ran up Emma's ass and she gave it a slow squeeze. "Hello kitty. Time for your final lesson."

* * *

Three hours later, Emma lay staring at the ceiling of Regina's bedroom. They were naked, tangled, drenched in sweat and she felt different. Lighter. Sated.

Making love to Regina had been a revelation. They'd held nothing back. There was power and there was gentleness. There was gasping and fluffy handcuffs. And she truly had no idea how her panties had ended all the way up there.

Regina stirred, fingers trailing across Emma's hip against her bare skin.

Emma blushed hotly. She could feel the twitching tail of the dark creature inside her. It twitched again, burning to be unleashed a second time.

Regina leaned into her and murmured against her bare breast. "Please tell kitty to relax." Her lips lifted and nibbled against Emma's neck. "I'd be happy to stroke her. I'd be happy to explain to her how I'm a one-pussy ... cat ... woman. And I'd be happy to tell her that I love you, too."

Emma felt the essence that was the Dark One curl up into a ball. It purred as Regina took her in her arms once more. Then it went contentedly to sleep.


End file.
